the longest post in the entire universe and you know you wanna read it.

I was a preacher's kid.

When I was two, we lived in a little apartment above the church building. I had this little dinky toy piano. My mother was astonished one day to hear me plunking out hymns on my little dinky toy piano. "She must be a musical prodigy!" my parents thought. They immediately began what turned into years of financial sacrifice and started sending me for piano lessons at the tender age of 3.

For years, the Spirit, several teachers and lots of money from my parents cultivated this gift of music in me - piano playing in particular. (I have perfect pitch, can effortlessly sing in tune and blend in seamlessly with a choir, blah blah, but I have neither a beautiful nor powerful solo voice.) So the piano became my voice, my expression, my heart, and eventually when I grew up, I even got a degree in piano performance.

But in all my 29 years, I never once got to play my instrument in worship to God, except in very private moments when I was playing alone with Him.

Why? Well, because my Christian heritage is Church of Christ, and traditionally, Church of Christ-ians largely believe that the Scriptures tell us to worship only with acappella (vocal) music.

I feel embarassed to admit this, but here is a true confession - growing up, I truly wondered if some of my friends who went to denominations were actually Christians, mainly because they all worshiped with instruments and I was taught that this was unscriptural. I never actually said this to any of them though, because deep inside, I could not quite believe that God didn't think they were following Him. I watched their lives silently and saw that their faith was pure and sincere. When I was in high school, I joined the little Christian Fellowship at my school and some of my friends brought in their guitars. That was truly my first exposure to instrumental worship, and although it made me feel uncomfortable at first, I came to observe that their worship was genuine and it was nothing to do with whether they worshiped with instruments or not.

Seeds of conflict started to grow within me - seeds that have taken me years to work through.

I thrived and flourished in college because my life was so immersed in music. My piano professor, Dr. Rathbun (who was more than just an educator to me - he was my friend, mentor and someone I will always deeply respect) helped my music wings to soar to levels I had not reached before. He told me once that if I ever went without playing the piano in my life, that I could not be whole. I didn't realize then what tremendous wisdom that was. Music - and piano playing in particular - was the biggest way I connected to my world and to God. It brought stability and harmony to my life in so many ways.

After I graduated from college, (like, the very next day!) I got married to an amazing man. Kevin believed SO strongly in my gift that he bought me a beautiful grand piano that cost more than a new truck. This wise young man saw clearly even back then that music was my voice and he wanted to nurture his beloved wife and make sure she did not lose her voice. I appreciated the gift so much and was all set to embark on some kind of music career.

But situations that we were in at the time got to me so much that slowly and surely, I began to neglect my piano playing. First of all, we were working, worshiping and serving in traditional Churches of Christ, where instrumental worship was taboo. Second, I up and had TWINS! And my life would never be the same again. Although many good musicians have kids and continue to be serious musicians, something started dying slowly inside me as I became overwhelmed with the busyness of motherhood and different ministry settings. I did continue to do some accompaniment and teaching on the side but it did not even come close to fully utilizing my gift.

Things became so dismal, that by the time we moved to Texas in 2003 when Kevin became the preaching minister for a Church of Christ here, the grand piano that my husband so preciously gifted me had become more of a guilty burden than a blessing - it was a big white elephant sitting in the corner staring me in my face and reminding me of all that I had given up. We even attempted to sell it several times, although mysteriously (or maybe not so mysteriously) that never worked out. I barely touched it more than once in a blue moon, and the less I played, the more I was losing my skills and the less I desired to play it.

At ACU, I was the piano chick. In Oregon, I was the chick who could do some really decent piano accompaniment. By the time we moved to Texas, nobody really knew I played the piano. Certainly, nobody ever HEARD me play it.

Pretty soon, I mostly forgot that I ever could play Chopin or Bach. Once in awhile, I would remember things I played in college and would feel jolts of genuine surprise at the memories - as if the person that once played like that was surely not me, but somebody else I used to know. I threw myself into nurturing my family and being the best wife, mother and child of God I could be. But there was a hole in my spirit and even though I kept trying to ignore it and keep going, it was starting to devour my entire being. A few times, I would be running some mundane errand in the van and a piano piece that I used to love or play would come on the radio and tears would start running down my cheeks and then I'd find myself having to pull over and sob uncontrollably for a few minutes.

At this time, Kevin and I were starting to have some serious discussion and study together about music in worship. Because sometimes, when I thought about my gift of piano playing, I just wanted to scream into the heavens and ask God why He had given me this gift if I couldn't use it to worship Him and help others worship Him. It also seemed hypocritical to me that it was apparently okay to listen to instrumental worship music at home or in the car, but not in a worship setting. After all, aren't we supposed to worship God every day, with everything we do, in every aspect of our lives?

With much prayer and study, we both came to see that while we love and appreciate our Church of Christ heritage, maybe we hadn't gotten it all right. (What a humbling thought!) And God kept bringing several of my beautiful and talented friends, Sarah Lynn, Elisa E. and Jolene to my mind - three girls I highly love and respect, girls who show me Christ, girls who worship God whole-heartedly with both their voices and their other instruments.

Although Kevin and I both thoroughly enjoy pure, simple acappella music, we could no longer feel convicted that the Scriptures were telling us that worshiping with instruments was wrong, or worse - a sin - like I know some in our fellowship believe. With all this stripped away, I began to feel deeply ashamed and pharisaical about all the judging I had been guilty of with my Christian friends from other denominations - and not just with the music issue either, but that is a whole other can of worms and let's not go there right now, shall we? :)

In 2006, our family went through some major stuff. Kevin and I were suddenly cut off from our church family and were devastated at the time at how things happened. Even though we knew God had plans for us and we looked forward to a bright future, we still had some hurt to work through. I couldn't see this at the time - but although I'm sure we all wish that the situation had been more positive for everybody involved, God was invisibly starting to pull me out of the funk I had been in, and in hindsight, and at the risk of sounding totally cliche, this experience was going to be a blessing in disguise.

We spent the summer healing, surrounded by family, good Christian friends and wonderful neighbors. At this time, we realized that we badly needed to be a part of a healthy, thriving church family, and so we became members at the Richland Hills Church of Christ, where much healing happened for us. We also listened to God's calling and began to plant the seeds of a baby church plant in our neighborhood as well.

And then, unexpectedly, God began to use people in my life to confront me about this whole music thing. It started when my neighbor Angel and I had a little heart-to-heart late one night at her kitchen table about why I wasn't playing the piano anymore. A few weeks later, she twisted my arm into giving piano lessons to her sweet daughter. (Okay, she didn't exactly use brute force but I know that she was partly asking me because she wanted to see me use my gifts.)

And then, people who came to Life Quest Church (our baby church plant) started asking me if I was ever going to play the piano for them. It was a lot of pressure and I was seriously being pushed out of my comfort zone in a big way. You see, going from "I can't say anymore that I believe it is unscriptural to worship with instruments" to "Hey y'all, lets jam to my piano playing during worship, woo hoo!" was a BIG leap for me. I resisted it and resisted it, then I resisted it some more. I made up all kinds of excuses, from "I haven't played in forever, I stink" to "I'm just not emotionally ready to do this."

And one day, I simply ran out of excuses. Kevin begged me to consider playing at Life Quest Church's Christmas Eve morning worship in our home last month. Yes, he seriously begged me. He apparently felt that it would be a blessing to our church. I finally said "Yes, fine, okay, if you'll clean the cat litter for 6 months." (Kidding! I'm kidding!) And then I went into a state of utter panic.

Christmas Eve morning rolled around and I was so nervous I wanted to throw up. Then we began worshiping our God together and everything became a glorious blur, because, guess what? Playing the piano in worship to God is a natural thing to me, as natural as breathing. I hadn't done it in so long, I had forgotten.

I do vaguely remember holding back some tears at the thought of blessings I had missed out on over the the last few years because of my reluctance to use my gift. I remember our friend Tim saying that he barely made it through the first piece I played, which made me want to cry even more. I remember accompanying and singing, "I Can only Imagine" with my dear husband Kevin on his guitar. And I remember everyone giving me requests and me feeling genuinely happy to oblige. I remember realizing that this whole thing wasn't about my piano playing at all, but about me giving my spiritual gift of music back to God and using it to serve and bless others in worship to Him.

I have turned a corner, musically, spiritually.

And now, this week, God gently took me by the hand and said, "My child, here is your next step." So on Tuesday night at 9pm, I walked into Richland Hills Church and somehow landed the very last audition slot for their newly forming praise band*. And today I found out that I made it. Not because I'm some piano prodigy (ha, in my dreams), but because I have finally listened and surrendered my gifts back to God and He is affirming my pitiful but sincere offering. I am honored and humbled to be a part of this new ministry.

I don't feel this post can be complete without sharing with you something that my beautiful sweet friend, Sarah Lynn emailed me today. It is something I will take to heart. She is someone I've admired greatly from the moment I met her and I'm grateful to call her my good friend. She is a gifted musician herself, moved people to tears at my wedding and has helped lead worship at just about every church she's been a part of - by playing the piano and also with her gorgeous voice which I'm completely and totally in envy of.

"I know worship music is so much simpler than classical but it is so fulfilling to me when I am helping lead people before the throne of God in worship. It's humbling. And not all about me or how good the band sounds (though it's important to do your best) but about hearts worshiping our Father."

I am crying inside. They are tears of joy.


*To learn more about Richland Hills Church's decision to add an instrumental service, click here.